We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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