The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing