I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
