we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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