My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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