He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
