When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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