Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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