I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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