I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
