I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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