we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
