I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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