Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found puke in my bra..
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.