Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
