I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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