i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
