alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
