hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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