Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
