when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
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I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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