Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
