I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
