Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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