Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's how pantless uber rides happen