so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk