Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.