She went from zero to smokin in five shots
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
