She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
