The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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