I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
