Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
