I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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