Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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