I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
