fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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