She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
