I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.