I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.