Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick