i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.