guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
