My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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