the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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