dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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