I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
