So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
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There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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