if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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