She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off