You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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