I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.