4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...