Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
