Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
