I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
